Full of Sadness

I'm full of sadness today. I miss my baby girl so much, it's like my world no longer has color. I'm driving myself to do normal every day things when it hurts so much. You brought color and life to me. Being so excited to have you home and rock you to sleep every night. All my hopes, all my dreams, faded away in a matter of hours. When I saw you for the first time over that curtain, you were so beautiful. That image will forever be in my head. The only time I saw you alive with no wires or tubes in you, it breaks my heart. I just want to hold you one more time.
Nana and Austyn were up visiting for the past couple days. We went to visit your grave and they brought you the most beautiful flowers. They miss you so much and Austyn was always talking about you.















We took Austyn to see Boston for the first time. I was so sad that I barely made it through the trip.I just wanted you to be there with Daddy pushing your stroller.
I want you to see all the beautiful things the world has to offer. But I know you see them now but from up above and some day we can look together. Even though you're gone I want you to know that you are still my light, my joy, and my everything. I love you so much and life will never be the same since you came into this world and left so suddenly.
Sleep with the angels tonight my beautiful Aubrey. Save a spot for me right next to you when my time comes to sleep with the angels.

Aubrey's Story

It was an unplanned pregnancy but as soon as me and my boyfriend found out we could not have been more excited. It was a rough pregnancy. I had low amniotic fluid all through out and I had ultrasounds done every week. She would never cooperate during ultrasounds so they sent us to Boston children's hospital to get a fetal echo done on her heart. Everything was normal, they found nothing wrong. We continued weekly ultrasounds and they never found anything wrong.

On Friday June 11th, 1 day after my due date, she wasn't moving as much as she used to. I called my doctor and they told me to go to the hospital for an NST. The nurse hooked me up and she seemed very sleepy, she gave me apple juice and Aubrey perked up after a couple minutes. They sent me to the ultrasound just to be sure everything was okay. She didn't move for 20 minutes on the ultrasound so they called my doctor and sent me in for a c-section. The doctor said the placenta was getting old and she was ready to come out.

My daughter, Aubrey Nicole, was born on June 11th at 4:12. she was a beautiful 7 lbs 4 oz 20 1/2 inches long. They showed me her above the curtain and she was gorgeous. She cried for about 2 minutes then the pediactric doctor came over and said she was very sick. She wasnt breathing well on her own and she wouldn't "pink up". They showed me her again before they took her to the NICU. We waited so long to hear what was going on with her. Aubrey's right lung was collapsed and her oxygen level was way down. They needed to take her to Boston children's hospital for more care than they had at the small hospital. They weren't sure if she would even make the 45 minutes to get there. We got a call and she made it down there, her oxygen level came up a little and she was doing better than she was.

Then I got a call around 3 AM saying that she's not doing good and her father needed to come down and be with her while they transferred me to a connecting hospital. When I got to the connecting hospital they admitted me and sent me straight to be with my boyfriend. As soon as I saw him I knew she was gone. She died on June 12th around 6 AM. She fought for her life for 14 hours. we held her for hours, it was the first time I held her and she wasn't alive. She is beautiful and I'm so proud of her.

We buried her on Friday June 18th on the most perfect, sunny day. A parent should never have to stand over the grave of their child.

Aubrey, I love you and I miss you with every inch of my being. You are forever in my heart and no one could ever replace your special spot. You have forever changed my life. I will never forget you. Sleep with the angels tonight.

On my way to find peace.

I'm not a writer. I'm not very good at documenting. I'm not good at communicating. I lost my baby girl. I'm just trying to find some peace in this world.

I lost my daughter on June 12th 2010 at full term due to her lungs not developing. I will write about the whole story and who I am later on.

RIP Aubrey Nicole
Our little angel, sleep with the angels tonight.